


if i am to make my peace with the world

by pixsiedust



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Drabble, Essek Thelyss Needs a Hug, I am actually writing this is not good folks, M/M, angst sorta, give essek a happy ending and nobody gets hurt, no beta we die like men, oh GOD if Essek dies how will I cope, talking about death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:34:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixsiedust/pseuds/pixsiedust
Summary: Essek is sure he is going to die, he and Caleb talk about it. Caleb gives Essek a gift.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 86





	if i am to make my peace with the world

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time publishing a fic anywhere! hit hard when Essek said he might die so like????? I'm here now. Enjoy.

\---

"Essek, are you scared?" 

Essek was shaken out of his near-trance, staring at the infinite walls of the top floor of Caleb's tower.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"  
"Only that-- the last time we spoke, you seemed so certain of the proximity of your own end. I trust you know better than I do on such matters but grant me this question; are you scared, Essek?"

Essek huffed out a breath that landed somewhere between humor and a scoff. The room decor was sufficiently dramatic. A darkened sky embroidered with the glowing threads of fate and dunamancy, a pride of his, his life's work, and the thing that brought him and Caleb closer.

A reminder of his sacrifice, of the thing that he is now sure has numbered his days. Thinking back though, there is the distinct possibility that his days were always numbered, in that way that everyone's days are numbered, but he has just now brought it to his own attention. The versions of himself plastered along the endless walls of the tower walked their paths and faded out of view. Essek wondered which path was the one he had taken.

"Yes. Yes, I expect that I am. I expect that I am frightened, although I can't feel it in the least. If death is not a concept the living mind can truly grasp, not in its entirety, I cannot bring myself to feel entirely afraid. I expect I will die soon, and I expect I will feel less afraid when it is over, even if I could not tell you if I feel afraid now."

Caleb was looking at him like he was the only thing in the world. It reminded him of back when things were simpler. Back when Caleb had shown his great power in the form of a cat claw. Essek later learned that wasn't the most difficult spell he could perform at the time, and he had laughed. Caleb was looking at him with admiration. Curiosity. The gears in his mind were whirring like they always were, and if you knew where to look in his eyes, you could see them. If you knew what to listen for, you could hear them. They sounded like a melody, and Essek would never tire of listening to it. 

Essek's eyes darted across Caleb's face, memorizing every detail, down to the last smile line next to his eye, to the wayward freckle on his jaw. Caleb was beautiful as he ever was. Essek would miss him.

"We're going to save you, you know."

Essek would look surprised if the mighty nein were not always so confident, and pompous. They would believe they could scare a mountain away from the very earth it was rooted to, if only they tried hard enough. Only they would ever think to save him. Only they would ever dare to attempt it.

"How so?"

"I don't know. Even if we had a plan, we would not follow it. But I know we will save you. You know how stubborn we can be. We have made bargains with gods before, and if you think for a second we would not do the same for you, you are not half as smart as I have always known you to be. You could be killed a thousand times over, but I swear to you, Essek Thelyss, we would not let you die a single one of them."

Essek smiled, resigned. Afraid, though he could not feel it. A weight dropped into his lap. As he looked down, a small amulet in the shape of an eye was sitting there, delicate silver chain peeking out of the folds of his dark, silken robes. 

"Put it on." Caleb did not demand, but did not leave much room for question in his voice. Essek hesitated.  
"Please." Caleb's eyebrows were scrunched up against his forehead in concern, and the world knew there was never much Essek could do to say no to anyone in the mighty nein, least of all Caleb.

He secured the small clasp on the back of his neck, and the familiar push and pull of magic adhering itself to him enveloped him like a hug. The chain was still warm from where Caleb had been wearing it. 

"It will protect you, for now. I'm sure you could be found eventually, but you will not be scryed on while you wear this. I only hope it buys you what time you need to make your peace, and what time you have apart from that you may do with what you wish." 

Essek shifted from where he was sat on the almost intangible floor, to press his side against Caleb's. A simple gesture. Essek knew how he felt about Caleb, and knew that when the world was not ending there would be time to acknowledge that Caleb felt similarly, but that did not stop his heart from beating a little faster when Caleb made no move to stop him moving closer.

"I have made my peace with the world. If you will have me, I hope I might spend what time I have left with you and the nein. You know by now that you are the only family I have ever truly wanted." After that, there was silence. Essek knew Caleb understood. 

Caleb leaned in, twined his hand with Essek's, and for the first time in far too long, Essek started to feel better.

\---


End file.
